Sunday, 13 November 2011

A 'No News' week...

A sweaty week on the sofa with the family. For me, swallowing was agony, every time, it felt as though I was attempting to gulp a whole tangerine coated in glass beads. Head colds for Rob and the boys.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming I was choking, before waking to find a child telling me he needed a drink, meal, entertainment or help to get his Spiderman or Hulk costume off to have a wee.
My neck was swollen, I dribbled, my ears stung and my head spun.
The gas man came, why do they always arrive at such times?

I'm nearly recovered, but feel rather fragile, I just want to get out and do things, but slight activity leaves me exhausted. This is my winter mode, every year since my early teens, it's the same. Please -  no suggestions of vitamin tablets.

Blogging material has been limited to the confines four walls surrounding me. An impromptu visit from a couple, whilst in the throes of illness, was most unwelcome. This duo usually arrive with chutney in early December, a tradition of which they're very proud. The chutney is ghastly, I'm not a fussy eater at all, to which any family member will attest. This red onion chutney, however, tastes like rubber bands steeped in wine and strawberry jam. I will donate it to the school, part of the Christmas hamper raffle prize.
They were doing the chutney round early this year, the reason is long and boring.

I tried  fobbing the grinning couple off at the front door, hoping my swollen, clammy, pasty face coupled with nightwear at 4 pm would be enough proof that I wasn't feeling well. It mattered not that I was potentially host of a SARS-type virus which could exterminate them before they get to the next lucky recipient of chutney.

I managed some half-hearted small-talk, made them a cuppa, and very efficiently 'swept' them out of the house when I could stand no more 'useless-doctor-at-the-hospital/surgery' talk.
I was racked with self-loathing and guilt when they left. Why can't I just be nice?

Anecdotes are so thin on the ground, days have passed, and I've yet to finish the post.

I ventured  out this evening, to Tesco Express in Treforest - home to the University of Glamorgan. It's always really busy, and not very big. There's a Pizza Hut, KFC and a bar all crammed into a space only big enough for one of these establishments. Students are always to be found in large groups, using their measly funds to stock up on essentials like boxes of wine and buckets of chicken wings.

I filled a basket with packed-lunch supplies quickly, the handles chewed into my palms. A lady who seemed to have the mental age of a ten year old kept getting in my way, well, everyone's way.
Sandwiches reduced to £1 were drawing a crowd, you really can't beat stale bread, cheap ham and some rubberised cheese for an evening snack, can you?

The lady getting in my way (I decided to call her Bertha) was with an equally charming male companion who had  a penchant for denim (he can be Shakin' Stevens or 'shaky' for short). Shaky took one look at the queue and decided he was too cool to wait, he picked up at least 4 big bars of chocolate and strutted out of the shop. Bertha huffed and puffed behind me, she had 8 cans of cider, loads of reduced sandwiches and 2 huge bags of value ready salted crisps - they should work up a thirst.

Bertha and I were served at the same time, she looked like a lady with not a lot on her mind, I noticed a key ring swinging from her hand, it was festooned with cartoon character trinkets. As I had more shopping, Bertha left before me.

I was keen to see where Shaky had got to, so I hurried out of the shop, to witness Shaky sitting in the passenger seat of a brand new Ford (typical girl - don't know the model) EATING the stolen chocolate, and DISPLAYING a disabled badge. I know lots of disabilities are hidden, I'm not about to have a rant about any of the thoughts which came to mind.

I got into my shed, and followed Bertha and Shaky out of the car park. Shaky had cracked open a can, Bertha was force-feeding herself a sandwich (maybe livers are fetching a good price at the moment? Bertha is following the foie gras method to plump her liver to maximum size. "Cash your liver TODAY!" "".

How the other half live eh?

Anyone remember 'Bertha'? I loved it. Rob always says he's not surprised I don't watch much TV now, I was completely addicted as a child:

Hope you all have a lovely week, I enjoyed everyone's blog posts while I was marinating myself in a Streptococcus sauce. Commenting was sometimes hard, my phone was thrown in anger on several occasions.


  1. Hello Lucy:
    We are so sorry to read that you have not been at all well and are nervous about reporting to you that your post really made us laugh out loud at some points [not at your indisposition,of course!!] We can so readily identify with your need for quiet and rest when not feeling oneself, but, as you write here,it just seems that there is a universal law of physics which prevents this simple request from happening. The world and his wife always wish to descend upon one and, inevitably, bearing the nastiest of gifts or eating delicious gifts during their visit!!!

    We hope that the evidence of this post signifies that you have turned the corner towards fitness, or at least connecting with the virtual world once more [so much more satisfactory than the real world, we often think]. Take care!!!

  2. Bertha! Lovely Bertha, sometimes I think you're a dream? Something like that anyway, I haven't dared click, I'm supposedly watching 'Garrow's Law' and there's a court case going on. Ah, those were the days...

    Sorry you've been feeling so crappy, at least you're now probably done with the sore throat pre-Christmas insanity. xx

  3. Oh no!!! I'm sorry you've been so ill honey - I've been off since Tuesday with flu and a throat infection myself. My voice finally came back yesterday and I'm back to work tomorrow. Really hope you're feeling back to full force soon!!

    Jem xXx

  4. I don’t know how Lakota can multi-task whilst watching Garrow’s Law! Actually I’m downloading it to watch tomorrow. Poor you Lucy. I know that feeling of bumbling round in PJs whilst willing the world to go away.I do hope you’ll feel better soon. Gargle with whiskey and honey - or just whiskey!

  5. Oh no, sorry your feeling sick.
    I am just about recovered from my cold, going outside makes me cough more but been kinda warm today.
    Your way of writting is so fabuloso, like i am reading a novel.
    You have a talent amor.
    About the chinese food it most probably is the salt cause i been drinking gallons since then.
    Hope you start feeling better soon hun.

  6. Get well soon Luce I have had that awful flaringotis thingy a few times and its like swallowing razors Hope your much better by now.
    Just be glad we are not the Bertha and Shaky type tho I am sure they dont realise they are a type lol

  7. Well Lucy, you managed to pull of another very funny post despite being ill. Sick as a dog you may be, but clearly your ability to conjur up characters like Shaky, Bertha and the chutney people has not deserted you.
    Get well soon, so you can stalk some more weirdos for us x

  8. Sorry you've had a tough week. I won't recommend vitamins, but I think a luxury holiday in Antigua with free childminding might perk you up a bit.

    I'm always depressed when shoplifters set their sights so low - why nick stuff from Poundland? Why not pinch champagne from Tesco?

  9. Hope you're feeling better now. At least your sense of humour seems unaffected. Got behind someone in Sainsbury recently who spent an age packing only to remember at the last minute that her purse was at the bottom of the bag. Ho hum....

  10. Hope you're feeling a bit better my dear, sounds just awful! those sandwiches sound grim! xx

  11. Great description of your sore throat. I could feel that pain. You're such a good writer Lucy it's always good to read your posts - news or no news. Feel better! x

  12. What a horrible week you had, and I could your throat too reading this post. I'm also wondering what hidden disability Shaky has? Even if he does have a disability, his carer can still teach him not to steal - I have to teach right and wrong to my special needs kids.

  13. Oh you poor thing! Not only afflicted dreadfully with streptococcus but having to go to Treforest too. The word struck me like a comedy rubber mallet. Gods how the Poly of Wales and Treforest have left their mark on me! But at least the place has a Tescos of sorts now. It must have gone up in the world.
    Sorry to hear of the ravages of disproportionately troublesome bacteria. Soup helps. But we've already covered soup, haven't we?
    Get well soon. The bug has not diminished your wit :-) <--- incredibly rare smiley from me. Don't expect to see another one soon.

  14. What a rotten week, but it seems you are on the mend thank goodnss.

    I would not have let those people in, in fact I doubt I would have opened the door. It's important to be allowed to be ill in peace.

  15. It sounds like a hellish week, it's bad enough feeling crap yourself without a house full of poorly kids too. Hope you are all on the road to recovery now.
    Perhaps Shaky's hidden disability is kleptomania? Does that count?
    How I chuckled at the thought of the rubber band chutney being destined for the Christmas hamper at school!
    Plague and pestilence certainly hasn't dented your caustic wit, love! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  16. You poor lamb! I never get sick and I maintain it's because I'm child-free. I think Rob should babysit the boys and you should move in with me.
    Mind you Shakey and Brenda sound exactly like our locals, robbing sweets, questionable disability claims and horrific dress sense.
    If you ever write a novel I want a signed copy. x

  17. Jane and Lance - you are always most welcome to laugh both with, and 'at' me. Last week, a sense of humour was more important than painkillers and tissues, especially when a sever case of cabin fever descended on myself and Rob.

    Lakota - quite the multi-tasker aren't you? I do console myself with the fact December may now be an illness-free month. And with the fact I'm not dying of a terminal disease!

    Jem - "there's a lot of it about" would you too be rich if you had a quid every time you heard that? Glad to hear you're better, shame you can't have another week off to re-charge the batteries after flu isn't it?

    Little Nell - I attemped to gargle last week, but my throat wasn't up to the task. Maybe I need to just swallow some whiskey instead?

    La Dama - thank-you for your wonderfully complimentary comments! I hope your cough completely disappears, a raspy voice can be quite alluring, but a cough never is!

    Nelly - thanks for the get-well wishes. I'm sure Shaky and Bertha went home and wrote a blog post about fine dining and dressing to kill (I mean steal).

    Kylie - thanks hun! I don't stalk these people - they follow me, I swear.

    Steerforth - this was not as bad as the Norovirus week back in 2009 (as you can well imagine.
    A child-free luxury holiday? I dread to think what I'd end up doing with no kids or chores to distract me.

    John - thanks! I'm afraid I have been guilty of the purse in the bag stunt, and even worse - "oops, FORGOTTEN my purse" stunt.

    Comtesse - thanks! I bet you see no such gruesome bread snacks in France.

    Wendz - Sorry you felt my pain! Thanks for the compliment, which is returned to you.

    Blue Sky - I didn't want to start an anti-disability rights rant, but was tempted to when I saw the badge yesterday. There may be a reasonable explanation, but to me it smacked of abuse.

    Perlnumquist - Treforest has by no means 'gone up' in the world. Why is it nobody ever has fond memories of this particular neck of South Wales, I wonder. I'll forgive one smiley - don't do it again. Soup bubbling away as I type, just wish I could be bothered to make bread (it takes so long without a bread maker).

    Sarah - thanks! I only answered the door because it was the usual time my oldest boy's friends knock. I was so hoping they'd take my comment "I'm feeling awful" as their cue to leave.

    Curtise - I'm well on the road to recovery thanks.
    Very amused by your diagnosis of Shaky! I reckon by Christmas that hamper will look more like a booby prize.

    Vix - you could be right about the no kids thing, but I've been struggling every winter since early childhood, not just my teens, as I wrote. Maybe I have SAD or something! I think your positive attitde, healthy diet and daily exercise count for a lot. I think a week staying with you would improve my general health 100%.
    Signed copy? I'll dedicate the book to you.

  18. Oh you poor love. Being sick is bad enough without having sick kids to care for as well. So much SNOT!

    Hope you are feeling better.

    Sarah xxx

  19. Hope you're feeling better.

    Bertha - nope never heard of it. And I thought I'd seen it all.

  20. Sorry to hear of the rough time you've been having. Its just so hard when you've a family and your unwell.

    There should be 'time off' periods where the faries come in and take care of everything so you can lock yourself away in your bedroom for some recovery time!! Kat x

  21. i look forward to future soliloquys on euthanasia and wicker coffins ... chin up, gel !

  22. I'm always the last to read your post sorry let's blame it on geography :) I think you have the winter blues and maybe the whole family should just relocate to someplace tropical and warm where everyday feels like a holiday! I love reading anything that spills out of your head...sick or not!

  23. I hope you are feeling better! and no I don't remember that show haha but it looks interesting

  24. I take it you felt lousy the whole time?
    Nothing but a good rant to get rid of that feeling, I know it well.

    Hope you're your usual cheerful self again.

  25. I thought I was bad! I pretend that people are following me and take evasive action...looking in reflections of shop window, noticing key identifers, such as hair styles and tattoos, making a sudden 180 degree turn in the street...but you take the cake, you are doing the stalking! (Funny is it only us Aussies who are picking up on this foible?)I had best beware if I visit your part of the country!

    Reading between the lines, I reckon the Chutney People are 'born agains.'

    Have you had your tonsils out? My daughter suffered for years, massive tonsils, bad throat infections, pneumonia, asthma, hospital stays at least once a year....she had her tonsils out and ALL of that disappeared. I mean all! Bloody amazing. She hasn't even had a cold for eight years!

  26. Bertha!!! I used to love that - what a blast from the past, cheers for that, brilliant :o)
    I did chuckle over the reduced sarnies - they always draw a crowd in my local tesco express, they have now moved them right near the door so you have to now fight through people to get down the aisle. Hope you are feeling better soon. Scarlett x

  27. Hope your feeling better. You do make me laugh...not the being ill bit though! Yes I remember

  28. hope you are feeling better now! euch.xx
    i loved bertha... it was amazing.x
    my boyfriend is doing a course at treforest - i'll let him now about those sandwiches.....

  29. Hope u r feeling better now. Anybody can go peevish during sickness. But I can't help saying that today i have come to know that chutney as common a word for sauce in occidental world as it is in the part of the globe i live in. Get well soon.


Sorry I am having to filter comments at the moment