Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Teenage Kicks

I sat amongst some teens on their school lunch break today. There were plenty of vacant tables, but I like to sit next to a window, near the door and near 'people'. I do an equal measure of eavesdropping and risk-assessment. If I'm watching the car park, I've plenty of chance to scope out robbers, psychos and potential new people to gawp at.
Today was a real treat for me, I hardly touched my meal and cursed myself for not replacing my clotted biro.
These school kids were in exceptionally high spirits and must have been at the end/coming to the end of their exams. Their polo-shirts had been scribbled on with marker pens, some were in fancy dress and the girls mostly looked like photograph negatives. Orange faces, luminous lips and either black, white (peroxide) or red hair.
Four girls were sat at the table nearest me, the one who thought she was the ugliest was the prettiest and vice versa. Their mannerisms mirrored the typical American 'chick-flick' -  all exaggerated hands, faux gasps in response to statements and unnecessary hair-flicking.  It was a far cry from the immature body language displays of their male contemporaries. The boys were so untidy for a start, fries on the floor, ketchup globules dripping like B movie blood...
In walked the Alpha male of the school year, the girls bristled, I'm sure one of them licked her fingers and smoothed her hair, as a cat does in anticipation of visitors. Alpha male was encased in an electric blue body suit which covered him from head to toe completely.  Another lad had a loud-hailer which he used to amplify the music from his phone initially. Alpha male had better ideas, he used it to order his meal and the whole restaurant was forced to listen.  I was thoroughly enjoying myself, I like to be on the side of the underdog, so I refused to tut, grimace and whine about the teens. they were having a jolly good laugh after a stressful few weeks of revising and sitting exams, what's so bad about that?
Next, I spy a rather unfortunate-looking bunch of females walk towards the 'joint'.  Female 1 was sporting your stereotypical lesbian uniform,comprising white mens' shirt, carpenter jeans, chunky gold chain, leather loafers. A bleached, spiky cropped hairdo, giant cheap watch and gangster swagger pulled the look together. Female 2 looked as though her lifetime of avoiding food in favour of cigarettes and alcohol coupled with a nervous disposition had started to take it's toll. Haggard face, body of a malnourished ten year old boy and the aura of someone you'd rather not look at lest they challenge you to a duel. Female 3 was short, round, and not unlike one of the tombliboos with her top tucked into her leggings.
One of the lads quipped "boys, there's some fit birds on their way in, look"... as the three Supremes entered the establishment, the boys all chortled and snorted. I'm ashamed to say, I smiled to myself.
The girls were getting ready to leave, went to the toilet 2 at a time and took ages, emerged looking oranger and pinker and smelling of teen spirit. The pretty but didn't know it girl read a leaflet aloud "tips for revising, eat well, exercise... a bit bloody late when I've nearly finished my exams!"
'Quite' I thought to myself, 'silly school'.
When the girls left, the trio of trolls (T.O.T) took their seats, much to the boys amusement. The malnourished one spoke, her voice was how I'd imagine a full ashtray to sound were it to be animated in a cartoon. The tombliboo spoke, it was how I'd imagine someone to sound who was imitating a Welsh Valleys accent, slowly, it was Welsher than Welsh. The 'lesbian' spoke, she sounded like the boys on the next table.
 The boys started to mess around a bit, but didn't push it too far, in my opinion. The T.O.T started to voice their dismay, and they DID push it too far. FUCKING GROW UP BOYS. IS IT? FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO 'AVE FOOD IN PEACE. Charming.
Through out my time there, two firemen were sat behind me, I couldn't make out the conversation in detail, but it was littered with expletives and sexual references.
I had been to the hospital with my youngest son (2 years old) and decided to treat him to a Happy Meal (shoot me). This was Mc Donald's, a place for kids to eat crap. I liked the teens, they made my day. I didn't like the adults at all.
A middle aged, tired looking lady came to sweep up the fries dropped by the boys. I heard one of them say "sorry love". She smiled, I was glad. My son had a balloon, he was delighted and grinned at the T.O.T. they were busy, trying to 'AVE FOOD. They ate like vultures.


  1. Love the girls 'like photograph negatives'. They all look like that round here. Or baby Beyonces.

  2. Excellent post, you write so well. Your descriptions are fabulous!!

    Also want to thank you for your kind comment on my blog today; I'd love to email you but haven't got your address. Mine is - it's good to talk to someone who understands.

    Thanks again for a jolly good read (and a good laugh).

    CJ xx

  3. Ah this made me smile...I love how descriptive you are about it all. I felt like I was there with you. The Tomliboos reference made me giggle x

  4. Loving the girls 'like photograph negatives'. They all look like that round here, or like baby Beyonces.

  5. lol - when you started describing the scene I thought of macd's! I had the same scenes yesterday in town with all the kids dressed up for end of school, all the girls had taken the 'hooker school girl look' and ive never seen so many belt skirts and suspenders on such young girls - the mouths of men were open in town yesterday. Scarlett x

  6. I'm so glad I only have sons when I witness scenes like that. Then I have a night out and see boys being beaten to a pulp and realise there is no happy medium!


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