Sunday, 15 April 2012

Am I OK?

Hello! I'm fresh from a weekend away which involved sleeping off an anti-histamine induced coma, leading to my eyes looking as though they were welded together (with what resembled a finished bowl of cornflakes left to harden all day - the joys of conjunctivitis).

My poorly eye

I also fitted in an afternoon car boot sale ('ow much for the shampoo luv? "I wanna quid forrit, only used it a couple'a times see") and a walk by the seaside "mummy, this is BORING, I want to go to the fair and the 'musements, walking is RUBBISH!.

So, the weekend is over now, nearly.
I'm finishing off the wine I opened Saturday, but was too sleepy to drink. It's acidic beyond belief, and playing havoc with my palate, which is peppered with blisters from being too impatient to wait for my curry to cool down the other night. Waste not, want not,

The children have another week off,  our Easter break seems to have started a week later than England's schools. This week, I shall be shouting, sighing a lot, telling my three boys and my 9 month old niece (who listens the best) that I "haven't sat down since 6.30 am" and peeling potatoes, I always seem to be peeling potatoes.

I will continue to dream about having a house with an Aga and flagstone tiling. I will continue to pretend I'm living inside a film set, the film is about a nondescript mum of three who finds herself living a very exciting life rescuing orphans Princess Diana style, by smiling at them with my head to one side, I'll be dressed in a white shirt and jeans to look normal, but really, the outfit costs thousands.

I will give Liam £2 in the hope he entertains himself with it all day and won't require any further attention. I will suggest we all make cakes, then regret it. All they want to do is crush an egg with one hand and then eat the raw mixture (it's mine, all mine!). I will make small talk with my neighbour, it seems a fitting thing to do, she's only 4'9".

I will do loads and loads of washing, and hope it's a nice drying day. I will watch the seagulls circle the sky, hungry for the chicken carcasses from Sunday's roasts. I will tell Saj (I love how Raj has been replaced by  Saj at the corner shop) that I have 3 kids, not 4. The baby is my niece. He may or may not ask me if my jacket is 'forrin' - "your clothes are forrin, no? I not seen anything like them before".

I will fill the sink with hot soapy water and leave endless dishes 'to soak'.
I will let Ricky watch Fireman Sam, briefly, before the awful 'Welsh' accents drive me to despair.
 I will check for texts and emails, tutting as I realise the emails are from the bank and texts are telling me how much compensation I might get for "the accident you had". What 'accident'? I've always looked like this (boom boom!).

I will sigh some more, I will feel useless. I will have a good long think  and maybe even make an appointment to see the doctor.

I had my hair cut Friday (it's been years).
It was the first time I'd met the hairdresser, she's also an Optician! I ended up telling her a lot about my life, she emphasized. She said I seemed really down, and really confused. Suggested I may be properly depressed, not just 'fed up' as I've been telling everyone for ages. Recommended a brand of Antidepressants.
I'm not sure.
I'm sure I feel sad too much, I'm unable to make decisions because I worry incessantly about potential bad outcomes, I'm easily distracted, a little noise and light sensitive at times. Obsessive about doing things 'right' (even little thing like recycling) or I beat myself up for ages about it. I'm either eating all the time, or dieting and exercising like a lunatic.

I hide my feelings well, I vent here, but in 'real life' I'm not such a misery, honestly.
Am I depressed, or just human and need to accept that, and GET OVER IT? Will the Doctor decide or do I have to decide?

Sh*t, now I'm in a panic thinking that readers will be saying "she's after praise and attention all the time" (what with my last post being about appearance).I'm also in a panic thinking you may think I just said that to feel better. Or, that you think I'm a right freak who needs to get over herself. Those thoughts are fleeting, not  tinged with all-consuming paranoia at all...I am OK. I'm always OK.

Anyhow, I decided against buying this:

Are you OK?


  1. You don't have to be okay all the time - if you feel listless and rough and run down and more than a little lost sometimes it's okay! And you don't have to worry about how your readers will think of you - because if they're any sort of human being at all they'll understand that we all have our patches of being low and some last longer than others.

    Jem xXx

  2. P.S Totally off topic and a little lighter in tone but your new layout and header look brilliant. xxxx

  3. A hairdresser who is also an optician? That’s not combination you hear of very often. make the most of it. Good luck for next week -soon be term time :)

  4. Ok. So don't listen to hairdressers. Go to your GP and they can give you a questionnaire called a PHQ-9 and GAD and calculate the results properly. If you do need treatment then CBT is a non drug therapy if you don't fancy antidepressants. As Jem says it's fine not to feel ok all of the time. As a chronic hayfever and depression sufferer I know that the physical symptoms of feeling low and listless are very similar in both. Also cheap wine and antihistamines are baaaad. Oh and add sleepy to the list of matching symptoms. Go see a professional. Xxxxx

  5. Small talk with your teeny neighbour? You funny girl. Seriously though, you need to get away on your own somehow - you have small children that you are with all the time; you are at home a lot of the time; you are struggling with bills and stuff like most people - why wouldn't you feel grim sometimes, or even most of the time? You're not a saint. Life is hard when you're a jolly optimist, never mind when you're introspective. Make an appointment to see your doctor and don't be afraid to accept what he offers - there's no shame in needing a little help, chemical or otherwise.

    K xx

  6. Lucy OMG you don't just write you bring us into your head. I love it! If I may be totally honest because that is how we roll in our blogs. I think if I had to look after 3 kids day in and day out I might go a little MAD. I hope you never think I would pass judgement on you. All of us have our own messy life to live and none of us really know the day to day BS we all deal with.
    Since I recently got an iPad I have been having face to face chats with my sister in San Diego. She is raising two boys (three if you count her husband) and I can now see the stress in her face. I think she doesn't tell me how she really feels because she knows I'll never have kids of my own and she feels bad complaining about how difficult it is. Sometimes I think the reason I can't have children is because I couldn't handle it. Seriously, I don't think I could, I'm much better at being that crazy Aunt. Parenting seems to me the worlds most challenging and unappreciated long term job EVER! I hear the rewards come later though :)

    I want you to always speak your mind, it is what I love most about you, that and your quite funny. I hope that poor eye of yours gets better quick, that Liam helps with those potatoes, and that someday you get more time for what makes you happy. I adore you when your up, your down, I'll just take you as you are because that's what friends are for. I know you are ok, but I can't wait until you are DAM GOOD!

    I love you girl!

  7. I hope you feel well! =)

  8. To be honest, parenting is not realy designed to make women feel great! It's hard and thankless and it's a big fat ol' lie that we have to feel fab and be on top of everything all of the time..And and along the way we loose who we are whilst we're being mum. I think also we set off with idead and plans and as the old adage says, life gets in the way and that in itself can make you feel low.
    I will say though as kids grow up, it gets better.
    Sometimes we all need a hand...I'd go see the doc. Take care.xxxxxx

  9. Your eye looks sore. Funnily enough, I have just had that too - and still on anti-histamines. It's quite pants actually. Also had my hair cut last week - 4 inches off and it was literally a weight off my shoulders. at least it's manageable now which makes me happy - yes my hair was getting me down. I woke up that morning and had to wash my hair and just couldn't face it so called the hairdresser instead.

    You sound depressed to me. Anti-depressants do lift the black cloud and make you feel sort of numbly serene, which is quite nice, and it's as if you're viewing life through a clean glass barrier, and your emotions are dulled so nothing really bothers you, but they also mess you up in other ways. I won't take them again.

    Wish I could blog as openly as you do. I can't blog at all right now. I mean, nothing is stopping me but myself.

  10. Hello Lucy:
    Of course you are OK. In fact, you are much more than OK. For anyone who is able to write this hugely entertaining post, with its sharp look at life and its wonderful touches of humour, cannot be anything but confident, creative and just a little tired too.

    But what observations, and in particular "rescuing orphans Princess Diana style, by smiling at them with my head to one side" is too brilliant for words. Put down the potato peeler and take up the pen! Dearest Lucy, you are going places and we want to tag along!

  11. I agree with the Hattatts. Looking after children full time in the holidays is exhausting and if you're worried about other stuff too it just wears you down.

    I have emailed you. :)

  12. oh lucy! hope you are ok. i just wanted to add that i find having hayfever makes me feel pretty low - seriously! at the beginning of summer each year i start to feel a bit sad and then a few days later i kind of twig - ah it's hayfever! not to belittle what you are feeling, but just that having hayfever doesn't help... and the combination of antihistamines and wine is a bit grim too as 'miss simmonds says' says!
    i also seem to have something wrong with my eye... am off to the doctor in a bit.xlots of love!xx

  13. Aw - hope you get things sorted out and feel better soon. Love the new blog look.
    Liz @ Shortbread & Ginger

  14. Oh Lucy.
    I don't know whether what you're experiencing is depression or just the vagiaries of life. Clare (Miss Simmonds) is probably right, talking it through with a GP (a good one, mind) and doing some proper assessments might be as well. I'm quite an advocate of CBT but there will probably be a waiting list. Antidepressants are all well and good, but for mild to moderate depression, CBT has a better outcome.
    All of that said - so much of what you write sounds like a thoughtful woman making her way through a life which isn't easy. Maybe you dreamed of other roads? I did. Maybe you thought family life would be different than it is? I did. It's hard to do the day-to-day grind (oh those potatoes, and not sitting down all day...) and no one notices or cares what you do.
    I hate to think of you feeling anxious and sad all the time. Friends, Luce - talk to your friends. Laugh as much as you can (if you find you can't, that's probably an indicator of depression. Poor sleep, loss of appetite, not listening to music anymore and an inability to laugh were my signs).
    And you will always find friends who will listen and support you here.
    Hope your eye gets better soon, conjuctivitis is the pits.
    Much love. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. You've been tagged! Over on mine. :)

  16. Hi there, I came through Sarah, the one in France up above. I feel for you sounds like you're got a lot on your plate and you're getting really run down. I know when I can't have a glass of wine, things have taken a turn for the worse.

  17. pity about the enema ... could have been a nice little earner xx

  18. You sound depressed to me. That doesn't mean you're a misery. When I come across people as perceptive and funny as you obviously are, I usually discover that they pay a price for seeing beyond the surface.

    Some people get very funny about taking antidepressants, but as my friend's therapist said to her, when she was living in California, "Look honey, you don't have to take the pills, but if you're going from L.A to New York, d'you wanna walk or d'you wanna fly?"

    A few years ago, within the space of a few weeks, my dad had a stroke and died after two months, my wife became pregnant and I started a new job. I seemed to cope exceptionally well, but six months on, I started to feel as if I was losing the plot. Thank God I went to my GP, who gave me some nice pills that made the world bearable again.

    Unlike Wendz, I didn't feel that my emotions were dulled. I felt liberated by having a break from worrying so much. The trick is to find a dosage that doesn't alter the essential you and to stop after six months, if you can.

    I'm wary of writing this. I don't know you and my advice might not be right. All I have to go on is what you've said in your blog.

    Whatever you do, good luck. Your sense of humour will be your greatest asset.

  19. I wanted to respond to each comment individually, but instead, I offer a general Thank-You.

    The comments and emails I received following this post have been so thoughtful, helpful, kind and interesting. I wasn't sure if I'd done the right thing - opening up more here than I do to my friends and family, but I now know that I DID do the right thing.

    I will go to the doctors. I was able to separate the feelings brought on by life's challenges; financial worries, the drudgery of day-to-day childcare/housework and other personal problems. Take these away and there's still something 'not right'. I try to self-medicate with exercise and planning nights out with friends etc, but the sadness lingers all the time,sometimes lifts a little, but it's there, often with anxiety and worry taking over the show too.

    Having said all that, I do know it's a mild depression. A long time ago I had the 'can't get out of bed, can't eat/sleep or feel at all' variety. I never got help for that.

    This time I will.

    Thank-you so much for taking the time to offer support. I feel very privileged to have the readers I do.

    Lucy x

  20. Lucy: I'm getting in on this late, but: I was on anti-depressants a few years back, they're not bad. But they're not meant to be a lifetime thing.
    Had trouble just getting outta bed a coupla years back & went & talked it out with a pro. She thought sure it was Seasonal Affected Disorder. Now I find JUST ENOUGH coffee but not TOO MUCH helps get me going, eating better helps a lot, & SUNSHINE makes a BIG difference. Sometimes I just sit in it for a couple hours and feel way better.
    Don't know much about Wales, but assume it's a lot like England & US Northwest -- long, cold, wet, dark winters. A little sunshine REALLY helps if you're prone to depression.
    Glad you're getting help. We all need it sometimes. Hang in there. You've obviously got lots of friends....

  21. Sorry to pop over here so late, and I wish I was better at offering support. Perhaps you've been to the doctor now? I'm glad you found it helpful to be open on your blog - it works for me, and most people tell me that I can be almost irritatingly positive in real life, but that's self-therapy too. Most people find life difficult and there's nothing wrong with getting help and support here. It's cheaper than therapy and you avoid annoying therapists! xx


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