Thursday, 26 April 2012

I am OK

I decided against asking a doctor for help to stop me feeling sad. I guessed I'd eventually feel sadder for taking tablets. I'm pretty sure I'm not clinically depressed. It's my lifestyle getting me down. Eating too much, exercising too little, few interests outside the home...

I sat with Clare on Sunday morning and wrote a five-year plan. It pains me to admit it, sounds like something I would laugh at.
It wasn't a pointless task, as I thought it may have been. I realised how many things were in my reach. How many small steps I can make to improve my 'well-being'.

On Saturday morning, I was delighted to receive a surprise package from Curtise. The scarf reminds me of the blog header. The turquoise bangle is the missing twin of my black one - how sweet. There were also purple tights in the package, which I wore today with my 'new' granny shoes. Don't you just love it when someone describes your outfit, or a meal you've prepared as 'interesting'?
That's what I was told about both recently. "Shit shoes and unpalatable meal Lucy". That's whatyou WANTED to say, isn't it?

Thanks Curtise - you got my weekend off to a brilliant start with your kindness.

So, this week, I started to clear my wardrobe.My wardrobe rail had buckled with the weight of all my coats, I was forced to get rid of 50% of my clothes.

 I will be giving lots of these clothes away very soon - I'll photograph some of the items and my readers can have first dibs (what does 'dibs' mean?).

I spoke to a blogger who has been following me since the start - she was as lovely as her blog. Swore more than I imagined, but in a posh voice (!).

I volunteered my services at the local Women's Aid.

I started a short story for a magazine competition. I baked a lot.

Most importantly, I resumed running after a sedentary fortnight.

I wore a light rain jacket, it belongs to Liam. It's a garish garment, I look awful in it, but with the exception of trainers and lycra trousers, I refuse to shell out on special running clothes.

Vicky and Charmaine are graceful, dainty ladies who wear size 6-8 clothes. We met up to run together.
They wore coordinated lycra running clothes and looked every inch the fit, lithe sporty type.
I was dreading the run, I knew I'd wheeze and struggle, and imagined every passer-by thinking "look at that poor fat lady  trying to keep up with those skinny girls".

We ran along a cycle track, dodging dogs and their turds, inhaling the odd gnat,  commented about it being nice to get out of the house, escape the children for a while.
By the time we were back on the main road, after about a mile and a half, Vicky spotted a former running partner of hers, he stopped to talk. I don't like stopping when I run. He told us about   completing the London marathon, introduced his girlfriend, who looked less than pleased about running with him, and about talking to us.
She seemed to warm to me, the most - probably because I looked unfit and scruffy.

Once we resumed running, we quickly picked up the pace. I needed my asthma pump. Unbeknownst to me, a few pea-sized pieces of pocket debris had collected in the mouthpiece of the pump. These made their way straight into my respiratory system, causing me to choke, splutter, cough and spit. I was unable to take a deep enough breath to speak, and explain what had happened.

I ran for another five minutes, and took a short-cut to my house. I felt a right idiot. As I sit and type this, my chest still hurts a bit.

Now, I feel better. A lot better.


  1. Lucy don't you love it when presents come at just the right time, the card is hilarious and I love the scarf, it totally matches your header! I think you made the right choice (not that my opinion matters) but I think sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for being able to make us happier by just changing our behavior. I know I can be my worst enemy but I can also be my biggest cheerleader!
    I went to the doctor yesterday because I have been unable to sleep, she was surprised to learn that I wasn't on any medication at all, she said most people are. She gave me some behavioral changes I am making and last night I slept pretty darn good. I can do it and so can you. Jogging, good for you, it's a really good start to feeling better. I know you want to be the best you, you can be, and I think that kicks royal ASS! Good luck my dear, eye on the prize, you'll get there.

  2. Hi Lucy, I would keel over and cark it if I tried to run further than the local bus stop so I am in deep admiration of your jogging exploits. And of your efforts to do stuff you don't normally do - especially glad to read you've entered a writing comp, we all love how you write so please finish it and make sure you enter x

    p.s. you are NOT an idiot, you're lovely
    p.p.s. can I have your address please?

  3. Hello Lucy:
    We cannot tell you how delighted we are to read this, not least because of the news of no doctor, no pills. The running, which we have to admit does sound slightly alarming to us, is a far better solution together with clearing out clothes, baking [something which eludes us completely], and, most importantly, spending time with friends.

    Good luck with the writing competition. Sounds fun. And make a resolution for this weekend, and coming week, that nothing is going to get you down, nothing outface you, but it is going to be one roller coaster of pure, unadulterated joy! Go for it, as they say these days!

  4. Hi Lucy!!
    I really love your post and the way you write,
    there is both lot of humor and wisdom in it! I'm a stay-in mom too, who's trying to realize her dream of being a painter, so I'm constantly at home and often frustrated because it's very difficult to obtain your goals, but when I come across other moms'experiences and thoughts, it happens that I feel less lonely and stronger, so thank you a lot and I wish you good luck!

  5. I've been meaning to write to you for ages and was pleased to see a couple of comments from you on my (much neglected) blog. I accidentally published the post before I had a chance to annotate the pictures. I've explained everything now if you want to go back and have a look!

    Can I read your short story entry when you've finished it? Or will you publish it on here?

    The famous house you posted a picture of a few blogs ago - is it William Pryce's old house? I remember being entranced with those as a a kid.

  6. Good to hear you're okay. :)

    What an excellent idea to make a five-year plan to encourage you to be dynamic and motivated. Spring is in the air and you are springing into action. :)

  7. ha! lakota has a posh voice??x
    glad you are feeling a bit better and am impressed you went running. i hate running, i tried to run round the park a few times with my ex boyfriend and my ankles swelled up and i said i couldnt run anymore, but he thought i was just being lazy and told me to carry on and afterwards they were super swollen and he felt bad. (great story huh?)
    as for people commenting about outfits - people often say to me 'you're looking very colourful' which i know isnt a compliment, so i just say 'thanks'.

  8. Oh running is fab, isn't it? So glad you chose that instead of 'happy pills'. I was on them there for a while recently, and I swear they made me worse x

  9. If I lived near you I'd run with you - then you'd feel slim, well-dressed, super-fit and lovely. :) I can't run to the top of my street without wheezing and having to stop to walk. I get shin splints that hurt like hell and make me hobble. I have no special exercise clothes - unless mens t-shirts from charity shops count.

    I do ride my bike quite well - in my charity shop T's and old lycra leggings - but believe me, my butt probably makes most people avert their eyes in horror. I try not to think about my rear view. (I am not exaggerating either.)

    Glad you didn't succumb to meds. Bravo.

  10. Hey! Prozac keeps me going! Though I think I'm in the "moderate/severe" catagory, or have been in the past. Lot better now of course. I would've come running with you and made you looking like Paula Radcliffe! I am out of puff if I jog 250m but 250m crawl in the pool is nothing! Well done on the the 5 year plan - I'm having a whole week off work to concentrate on feeling better next week.

  11. If I came out running with you it would be the ultimate ego boost - I'm currently extremely overweight and unfit and really could not rock lycra running leggings to save my life. Full of respect for your running exploits - you're putting me to shame! :-)

    Five year plan really does not sound like a bad idea at all - it's the sort of thing I'd snort at too if I hadn't been worrying about my lack of direction lately. Good to have goals - they can always evolve but having a general 'here's where I'm going' has got to be a good thing!

    Jem xXx

  12. Hi Lucy.
    Good. I'm glad to hear it. You should be good to're the only one you've got!
    I had a go at a five year plan too after years of scorning the very fact I may have scorned it in my blog! It doesn't half make you focus on things doesn't it?
    I'd love to come for a run with you and I never run. Not even for a bus. You'd have to give me a piggy back home and I'd bring the recovery chocolate!

  13. That's me - well spoken and foul mouthed. Like the female Jack Whitehouse.

    I might well be in the market for some of your 'interesting' clothes. Very little chance I'll ever go running with you though, unless it's to smack you for calling me posh (story of my life at school...sigh)

    Really enjoyed talking to you, glad you're feeling better xx

    ps. I'll do my 'Nessa next time

  14. I am so proud of you for changing your routine and trying things that make you feel happy.
    You made the right choice about not taking meds unless you really feel you need to. If you ever want to talk email me amor.
    I would walk with you to the charity shops if close by but i wouldnt run unless a mean dog is chasing me.
    You got to talk to Lakota ? How cool!
    To think she was going to move close to me.

  15. Well, you're probably wise to try other strategies first. The trick is working out whether your unhappiness is a rational response to things in your life that you can change, or a biochemical imbalance that makes you less resilient to the things that life throws at you.

    It's all too easy to resort to medication rather than addressing the root cause, but I've had other times in my life where everything is fine but I'm not. I don't think there's a right or wrong approach. It's about following your gut instincts.

    It sounds as if you've got things sorted on the personal front, but feel frustrated because you're not achieving your potential, so writing more is a very good idea.

  16. "I wouldn't run unless a mean dog is chasing me". La Dama has summed up my views on running perfectly! But you, Lucy - run, run like the wind!
    Good for you - you have thought it through, made some decisions and plans, and you are DOING something about it. I am so impessed.
    I hope the little parcel cheered you up, and helped you realise how valued and appreciated you are in the bloggy world.
    Lakota - posh sweary bird. I KNEW it! It's been said about me too...
    Writing. Volunteering. Running. You are on fire! Long may it last, Luce.
    "Interesting" is such a back-handed compliment. So is "unusual" And "oh you are brave to wear that"! Hahaha! xxxxxx

  17. Oh Lucy well done sweet, taking time to step back and realize you have some dreams that are just waiting around the corner is a wonderful.
    After a year of terrible times I am finding taking time to just see the simple beauty around me is helping.
    Sending happiness to you. love V
    PS the parcel from Curtise is just yummy, she is just a sweetie.

  18. Pleased to hear you’ve started writing - I agree with Steerforth of course.

  19. I have just read back over a few of your posts; your style is so lively and chatty and friendly, I enjoy reading about your doings, thoughts and bits of sneering, I can see myself in you.

    I also realize that you do tend to run yourself down a lot, and believe that others see you as something the cat dragged in. Silly girl, don't you know that they are labouring under exactly the same misconceptions? about themselves? So, who's perfect?

    Btw. you don't have to be clinically depressed to be depressed. Lifestyle depression is just as valid. Exercise is good, it gets the endorphins going.

  20. Good luck with the running, Lucy. I used to run a lot myself until my knees told me I had to stop. I really miss it as it gives such a buzz. Hope you start feeling a whole lot better soon.

  21. It's awesome you made the effort. I need to get my ass off the couch. (Also: I like 5-year plans. They're not set in stone, but why not have a goal or two? Something to look forward to.)

  22. Oh geez...I think so many people are going through this stuff all the time. I know I am...the reason I started blogging was because of depression and lately I can feel its bloody tendrils winding its way around me...which makes me way angry, because I am blessed.
    You just have to keep going darlin', in your forrin cloves...and never disregard drugs! They, when used in moderation and for key periods can smooth the path a bit.
    On a lighter note, I would love to run with you as well BUT unfortunately I have a bad back, a wobbly belly (cos of my hys-terr-rect-tom=eee)and my nature I am simply a spastic gimp. I could think of more reasons, given time.
    Keep on with the writing...I was in the doctors surgery yesterday and read an article on face products, but the style reminded me of your writing. I thought, "Lucy should be writing for these mags...I should tell her that" I really did. They are trite and trivial, but what the hey! They pay money. Write an article about blogging from your point of view aka a womens mag, don't compromise your style ...yet, and send it around. See how it goes. Jump into the water. Have no fear! (This is from a woman who suffers from anxiety. When my daughter tried to take pics of me yesterday, not one of fifty photos looked unworried)
    You only have one life. I have seen both my parents live destroyed lives and die regretful....cheery soul aren't I?

  23. Ah,the old happy pills! I have always tended to the melancholic,but am really good at perking myself up in silly ways,and am luckiy quite positive generally,but I did find myself in a situation a few years ago where I did take happy pills for a while.I think they can be useful,to help you get perspective if you're ahving trouble pulling yourslef out fo a slump,but probably making good life changes is better.I felt like a loser for taking them,and weaned myself off them after about 6 or 8 months.For those afflicted with real hardcore clinical depression,they must be a godsend,though.Poor buggers.
    Your head appears to be totally in the right place,and you have made some amaing choices/steps to get yourself back on track!And getting a little treat most certainly helps!Not sure about running though.I suspect it isn't natural,unless you're in danger!!!LOL!

  24. I bet my hero, Howard Marks would have sorted you out with something to put that smile back on your face. I can't believe you were in the loo, I've paid good money to see him in the past!
    I had a bit of an episode back in 2000 and got prescribed pills but, like you, I decided to eliminate the reason that was making my life unhappy rather than fuddle my feelings with drugs. I can honestly say it worked and I've spent the last 12 years in a good place. I know you'll beat the black dog, too.
    Good luck with the running and the writing. xxx

  25. So, what's your next goal, Luce? Are you going to run a greater distance or for a shorter time? Keep yourself moving, get in touch with yourself, get reminded that you are not a reflection of your environment. You ARE your environment, so make it as beautiful inside and out as you can.

  26. I really hope you feel better soon and that your lifestyle changes bring about positive results - I`m sure they will! And that is such a lovely package to receive)


  27. Just read this now Luce, glad to hear from a later post that you are feeling better :)

  28. Feel better babes - a lot better. But take it slowly!!!!

    K xx


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