Does my self-esteem look big in this?

I bought two late 1970's Diana annuals from a charity shop yesterday. I can't resist them, it must be the lure of double-entendre laden stories, the photographs of legends such as Gary Glitter and Alvin Stardust, and the excellent advice on how to make the most of yourself.

Romance, make-up tips, pop music and basic home-economics, all in one easy to read book with the odd quiz and crossword - a tried and tested formula to entertain teen and pre-teen girls for generations.
One article made me smile, it offered advice on staying fit and making yourself look attractive based on whether you live in a city or in the country. I'm guessing you city girls take the bus or get Dad to drop you off at school? Trouble is, not walking enough will make you unfit and won't keep you trim.


If you live in a remote village though, "such as the Orkneys" you may really be up against it when it comes to hair care. There's also an assumption that living in such a place will mean your parents don't allow you to wear eye make-up (but who needs mascara when there's Vaseline?).


Findings of a study recently conducted by Girlguiding UK were recently published. 1,100 girls aged between 7 and 21 were asked questions relating to issues such as weight, body-image, plastic surgery, marriage, the environment and education. None of the 'worrying' findings surprise me (click the link to see survey results).

I don't blame the media, men, mothers, or anyone/thing else for the lack of body confidence and general positive self-esteem in today's young woman. It's just nature, surely? Men are programmed to look for a mate who will make good breeding material, and vice versa. Child-bearing hips, boobs suitable for feeding a baby, healthy hair and skin, and knows how to cook a chicken? Perfect.
I just don't know where this notion of  ideally being THIN comes from. Thin means malnourished, possibly infertile and weak, or does it? Do men like 'thin' women? Maybe some men do because it makes them feel stronger, protective or paternal.

What is the ideal body shape? Tall, slim with big boobs, tiny waist, rounded bum, slim legs and nice feet (models always have huge feet!)? Do you know anybody this shape? I'm not even sure being tall is desirable, sweet little girlie type celebrities often end up being in the top 5 'world's sexiest/most beautiful women' category.


I know I've never felt 'right'. I see myself as clumsy, heavy on my feet, fat-bellied, awkward, ungainly and unkempt. I could do something about all of these things, and have tried in the past. My weight always goes back up, periods of grooming myself well don't last, and any attempts to behave more ladylike go out of the window after a large glass of wine/pint of beer. I pretty much turn into my father; become one of the lads.

Personality counts for a lot with both sexes, I just don't think you believe this as a female when you're young. It's competitive, a hormone-fuelled battle to win the top prize (the 'top prize in my fourth year at high school turned out to be gay). You don't work on your jokes, on your finer understanding of the rules of sport, on your slow-cooked leg of lamb with a redcurrant reduction, you just obsess about your face and body. You realise your face and body were OK when it's too late (despite warnings from your mother and other females). Someone can say "you look nice" 100 times, but if you don't feel it, there's no way it will sink in. Someone can tell say "you look fat" just once, and that's it. You will forever feel fat and unattractive.

Women try to look younger, slimmer, prettier and always have, we always will. That's not a bad thing. The bad thing is thinking that the path to happiness lies in 'becoming' something or someone. I think I'll always struggle with that stupid cycle of diet-weight-gain-diet-self-doubt, self-hate and unrealistic self-imposed standards of being a good 'woman'.  If it means trying your best though, I'm definitely doing that, just not all the time!